A little venting, because I'm losing my mind in silence
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Going insane.
My fate rests entirely within his hands.
It would be so simple if he could trust me. If only he could believe me when I tell him I would be able to stand by his side no matter what he must go through. If he could simply understand this, there would be no reason for us to be apart.
I've read about what could happen. And I know that there is more I can even imagine. I know the times to come are going to be tough. I can do it. I can learn, like other people in my situation have. I would much rather this than be away from him. And I can do it. Like a mother, like a father, like a brother or sister or friend. That's really what a girlfriend is, simply one of the many people in a guy's life who care about him, only somewhat more intimate. I care about him deeply and I can cope with whatever comes his or our way. I know it, for a fact. From the bottom of my heart.
I wish I knew how to make him believe me. I wish I knew how to stop him from being afraid. His fear and disbelief is really all that's in the way of our relationship. And it makes me sad that it must be this way. How, someone, tell me, how! How can I make him understand. How can I make him believe how sincere I am. My fate rests entirely in his hands.
I walk in the streets and silently pray (yes, pray) "please please please please. please don't let him make the wrong choice."
My laptop's fixed so I can finally start uploading my photography & art from the past 2 months. These past 2 months which have been particularly nice. I reunited with an old friend and discovered a new one. I think we make a cool team, especially since we all like allot of the same things, which is fairly rare for me.
Fall is coming to an end. It snowed a day before Halloween! The kind of snowfall that actually sticks to the ground and covers everything in a thin layer of white, as opposed to the light flurries we've had that melt when they land on a surface. I put my candy apple down, put my coat boots gloves hat and scarf on and took a 30 minute walk... with my pajama pants exposed. Hahaha
Looking forward to downloading a bunch of new music. I've taken an interest in soft Piano melodies. Oh my god. My laptop just farted..... I swear to god. The screen went dark, it made a fart noise, and then it lit up again. PFFFHAHAHAHA. Alright, no questions asked, moving on.
Yes. Piano music. This tune particularly:
It's called "In the Meadow" by Alexandre Desplat. Yes... it's in the New Moon soundtrack. Please don't tease. It's a lovely song.
I'm also in the process of reading these two books:
Catcher in the Rye I' reading out of curiosity mostly, because it was connected to the murder of John Lennon and because it's gotten so much attention since, being accused of all kinds of things and banned from certain schools. Also because the two friends I mentioned earlier told me it was a really good read. So why not.
Une forme De Vie I'm reading because it's the most recent book by my favorite Author. Every year she releases a new book. I've read practically every other book she's ever written, so as you can imagine I've been anticipating this!
Two days ago I realized that because of my excess of lateness's and absences at school, I had no other choice than to switch from a full time day schedule to FAD (Formation A Distance). It's the same adult education school & everything, except classes are only open Monday to Thursday afternoons/evenings, and you only go when and if you can/want. There is absolutely no discipline, it's all up to me now. The idea makes me panic every now and then, because I am TERRIBLE at self discipline. Heck, it's the reason I'm in this in the first place..! But two of my friends are encouraging me, and I'm trying. Yesterday I did well, today was dreadful. But what can I do? I learn from my mistakes & keep moving forward. Now I know that getting myself out of the house to work either at the library or at school is extremely important, unless my room is clean.
This schedule change means pretty much cutting off *blank* from my life. Technically it's not like he ever was. But dear god has he ever affected it. I guess I won't have to feel like a creepy secret admirer anymore. I guess we will indeed never meet. A while back the thought of this would've drived me absolutely insane, but I have a talent for ignoring things, so long as they're not in my way, and nothing's there to remind me. Guess that means I'll have to take Metric's album "Fantasies", Butterfly Boucher's album "Alive" and Tegan & Sara's album "Sainthood" out of my mp3 player for a while.
My mom's on another emotional rampage today. Can't say that I blame her but this is pissing me off. My family's becoming more & more of an uncomfortable place to be in. Money problems, problems with my sister, the house is always a mess, people wine, complain, fight, etc. You know when people rub their depression in your face? There's a difference between that and reaching out. My mom? She's rubbing it in. She's being the downer of any conversation. She won't let anyone have a good time. Because somehow everything can be related to her depression, even if it's just by the ammount at which she doesn't care. She'll go out of her way to put her depressing statements into any of our conversations or situations & it's bugging the hell out of me. She actually comes knocking to our rooms to complain about things she lost & doesn't let it go. She seems to be trying to make it our responsability. It's strange. And don't get me started on everything else going wrong around here. It's just 4yrt5f9gER^sdf#@$
On the bright side, since the last time I posted here, two good things have happened.
1) I reconnected with an old friend of mine.
2) I started painting again. Actually It's a mix of painting and crafting. Can't wait to be done. Taking my time. I'm also studying patterns from a few books I got off the library. It's nice to get back to this.
Firstly, math books are for doing MATH in. Not drawing (my own example shown on the right) and most certainly not jotting down your thoughts, like (for EXAMPLE) the following:
What I've learned generally these past 2 weeks.
1) There is more to people than you think. I do have a tendancy to judge people. i tend to temporarily categorize them until proven otherwise (if at all). But I don't think I should even do that. Because sometimes you discover things about people you never even thought of looking for, things you end up really liking.
2) I should do more with my life. Learn & do more things. Doing too much looks so much better than doing too little.
3) I have got to SERIOUSLY kick myself in the ass. i need to push myself forward, be more strict. Because I'm a lazy person with big ambitions.
4) How to be able to tell when I want something because I can have it, and when I want something because I really do want it.
5) I have the ability to smile & feel very happy, and I have the ability to feel good about myself. What I wish I had is the ability to make these things come from me, as opposed to saaay, a few cheesy text messages.
Something two nights ago made me realize something: contrarily to what I thought up to this point, I have a very strong tendency to over think and over feel. And over the past week, I've let that tendancy take control of me. I can honestly say I didn't know better, and tried to think as clearly as I could. But in the end the fact remains that I went coo coo bananas.
I refuse to let myself turn into a paranoid drama queen who ends up pushing everyone away. That's why I'm making a pledge (gay I know) to try to control myself, try to get myself to take a chill pill every now and then. Or I'll freak the living shit out of everyone, including myself.
I don't take enough risks. I'm not out there enough. I'm not responsable enough. I don't live enough. I don't go after what I want enough. I have to work on that... Now`s the time. Why shouldn't I count? Look around me. People, my friends, they're holding up mighty fine. I need to grow up.
I think I'm ready to really grow up, instead of pretending. Because for the most part, growing up's not about the personality. It's defined by what you do for yourself, by getting yourself moving and by being responsable with your life. It's defined by taking control.
My friends work. Some own cars, some moved out into appartments. Some go to college, some to university. They do stuff they don't wanna do constantly & push themselves forward. They have busy lives. And the rest of the time they're completely free. They can afford their own transportation to see people & they can afford to go out & have fun. It must be nice to have that kind of freedom.
I'd like to be able to depend on no one other than myself. I'd like to be able to return some favors to those who've helped me out. But mostly, I'd like to get out of this GOD DAMN HOT TURTLE NECK SWEATER!!! (...random much)
The reason I haven't posted anything here in a while is that my Laptop broke on me a few days ago. I'm having a hard time falling asleep so I figured I'd send an update via SMS.
School started nearly 2 weeks ago & I'm progressing at the slowest rate ever. Just a few pages a day as opposed to about 10 pages an hour. It's nuts.
I'm going through something kinda new. I think that's all I should say about what it is in question (can't tell). I've been feeling some insecurities lately though, & hope it's just all in my head. Keeping things simple & positive as much as I can.
I'm............ Sleepy. Wow. Exausted. I'm gonna go to bed. Hate texting my blog, I can't see everything I'm writing. This is a very boring post. Goodnight!
Alex, one of my best friends in the whole wide world, started this video-making hobby. His Youtube account is http://youtube.com/alexanderfully (catchy word, isn't it?) This is his very first video! It's about him receiving his acceptance letter from Vanier college, which (evidently) meant a whole lot to him.
Well, it's been 10 days! Let's see what I've done on my list.
Listen to Butterfly Boucher's album "ALIVE", some Au Revoir Simone, the Ivory album I downloaded & never even previewed & finish downloading Imogen Heap's live improvs & discover some more music on Last.fm with similar artists search. Then put all my music on my MP3 so I'm set for school.
CLEAN MY GOD DAMN EFFING ROOM once and for all
make string bracelets
read my library books
practice drawing
finally find those remote controls for the TV & DVD player in my room, finally watch a movie or something for the first time in at least 3 months. Haven't seen Girl Interrupted in a while.
finish printing & putting up art on my wall
DOWNLOAD ITUNES
go to the dollar store & buy art supplies, start painting again
look up some more recipes, maybe some fall ones since fall's coming, or maybe desert since I haven't done desert yet
FIND SCHOOL BOOKS (history 1, math 4, french 1)
make some origamis to decorate my room
DOWNLOAD INTERIOR DECORATING SHOWS like trading spaces etc...
finally get rid of all my stupid summer clothes, look for my nice fall/winter clothes in storage
finish reading Twilight (please don't judge or stereotype me about that!)
print pictures of BJDs to inspire myself in my drawings
download a season of America's Next Top Model with models that aren't too bratty, to inspire myself in my drawings & maybe in photography
look up whether or not Amelie Nothomb has a new book out yet
print out more copies of my CV
......................... that's it, I got nothing :P
It really isn't much at all. As a matter of fact, it's lazy & pathetic. Sigh...
This is a vague rough draft for a painting I'm starting on the cover of an old Atkins diet book of my mom's... but god damnit it's TOO HOTT to do anything around here! I get almost claustrophobic in the heat... I wish I could take a bunch of sleeping pills & wake up when Autumn's finally here...
[ Updates ]
As I said on twitter, "Like people who flex their muscles when they're about to get hit in the gut, I'm preparing myself for my return to school." School starts in 15 days for me. As for my 4 little sisters & little brother, their first day is tomorrow. If I could get myself to wake up earlier, I could benefit from a few hours of silence 5 days out of 7 for the next 2 weeks!
[ MONEY. ]
While I'm updating, there's something I'd like to talk about, and that's money. Stupid stupid money. Lately I've concluded that freaking 90% of my family and my own troubles are linked to the lack of money. It makes me very angry to think to think that I've been raised to believing that money doesn't bring happiness. As much as I wish that were true, the disgusting reality is that without enough of it, money can bring misery. I can not begin to enumerate all the different problems it's causing us. When I compare my family & me to people starving in other countries, it's evident that we are far far better off. But still... it's hard. I feel like I'm opening my eyes for the first time. Almost every negative thing in my family is caused by our being poor, and days when we have more money than others are the days we get along the best. It is just so unfair for mere pieces of paper to hurt my family like this.
Every night before I go to bed all I can think of is all the things I didn't do today, & all the things I should do tomorrow. And every morning I start looking for ways to ignore those things.
I'm a big dreamer who can't understand why she can't commit to her happiness. Story of my fucking life.
I'm writing this article to say that this is the longest period my room's ever been a mess - that's 4 months already, in other words, an entire season. Just thought I'd mention it.
This is something I drew a few years ago on Facebook's Graffiti application. I wish I could make detailed drawings like this again... damn! I need one of those drawing tablets for the computer, and photoshop. Right now I'm stuck with a tiny pad for the fingers on my laptop & a free program called Photofiltre. I need money... I need a job...!!!
This song Reminds me of the time period during which I drew this: Grow Up and Blow Away by Metric
This royal cow I photographed a few days ago has absolutely no relevance whatsoever to this article. That being said, it's late and I'm exhausted, but there are still lots of stuff I'm in the mood to do. I'm gonna make a list for me to take a look at tomorrow. 1- I'm way too lazy to go get papers & pens 2- My laptop's on my lap anyway 3- I'm addicted to posting random things on my blog lately so what the heck. This is fun.
Listen to Butterfly Boucher's album "ALIVE", some Au Revoir Simone, the Ivory album I downloaded & never even previewed & finish downloading Imogen Heap's live improvs & discover some more music on Last.fm with similar artists search. Then put all my music on my MP3 so I'm set for school.
CLEAN MY GOD DAMN EFFING ROOM once and for all
make string bracelets
read my library books
practice drawing
finally find those remote controls for the TV & DVD player in my room, finally watch a movie or something for the first time in at least 3 months. Haven't seen Girl Interrupted in a while.
finish printing & putting up art on my wall
DOWNLOAD ITUNES
go to the dollar store & buy art supplies, start painting again
look up some more recipes, maybe some fall ones since fall's coming, or maybe desert since I haven't done desert yet
FIND SCHOOL BOOKS (history 1, math 4, french 1)
make some origamis to decorate my room
DOWNLOAD INTERIOR DECORATING SHOWS like trading spaces etc...
finally get rid of all my stupid summer clothes, look for my nice fall/winter clothes in storage
finish reading Twilight (please don't judge or stereotype me about that!)
print pictures of BJDs to inspire myself in my drawings
download a season of America's Next Top Model with models that aren't too bratty, to inspire myself in my drawings & maybe in photography
look up whether or not Amelie Nothomb has a new book out yet
print out more copies of my CV
......................... that's it, I got nothing :P
Thought I'd suggest this new "X-Files"-like science fiction series I've been following this year called "FRINGE". It plays on Fox, but right now they're just waiting to air season 3. (I think it also plays on CTV) Last night I finished watching the last episode of season 2 and LOVED it. As you can see underneath this paragraph I attached one of the trailers from Youtube, but these trailers just don't show enough of all the crazy weird or complicated things that happen. They make it look like some kind of action movie, which is far from what it is. Yes, there is some action but it's really a science fiction, and all the interesting things are in the way this complex story unravels itself. The trailers also don't show enough of Massive Dynamic (a very large company with advanced technology suspected of orchestrating a pattern of biological experiments) which plays an important part in the series. I think season 2 is by far better than season 1, and much more OUT-THERE as you will see. Looking forward to season 3!!!
This summer, along with the different shades of red, I've been staying as emotionally disconected from school as possible (surely like every other student on earth). Choping off the ends of my hair & going back to my natural chocolate brown hair color this morning felt really good. I'm ready to go back to school. Ready as I'll ever be anyway...
Extra fine tip smooth flowing pens, a back-to-school gift from my mom. I absolutely LOVE them! They make it easy to draw small details, like thin strings of hair, complex eye shapes, etc... Gosh I am such a pen geek. Drawing & writing with these me feel simple & clean.
When you look up ball jointed dolls on the internet, what you find are these beautifully sculpted & painted dolls with absolutely flawless features. They are used in photographs with a diversity of clothes & hairstyles. I'm captured by the beauty of these photos & decided to study them to improve my drawing/painting skills. I've always loved soft doll-like beauty. So I think that among other things, BJDs will make a great influence for my art.
Recently I've been watching America's Next Top Model! Because some of those photo shoots are very creative & because I was hoping to be inspired for drawing female bodies. Started at cycle 1 and quickly found a character to root for. Her name is Elyse, and I think she's one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen. I drew her in my favorites of the simple things she wears using my friend's large collection of smooth markers & a black pen. (silly me forgot to include a black turtle neck sweater!)
I'd show you a billion short films if I could but the website I blog from doesn't let me post more than 1 Youtube video at a time. So here's a fun & creative one I discovered recently. Go ahead press play! You'll love it.
Sometimes I feel mad. At all the artificiality in the world, all the close-mindedness. Sometimes, when I see someone against something weird or different, I feel like taking that and shoving it in their face! God, I know how bad that sounds. I'm not a hateful person, I don't know why this affects me. I'll give you an example.
What's most liked in this society. The music, the fashion? Sometimes I have a need to be the complete opposite of that. It's rare, and it's just a mood, but it's some kind of unexplainable deep panic.
I'm thinking back to one of the last days I spent at school. I had an exam in 20 minutes. I wanted to go to the hair dresser's and chop my hair off to look like a 7 year old boy, die it black & buy some loose cold colored clothing. I felt like acting solitary and eerie, sitting on a chair with my legs crossed like a boodist monk, freaking almost anyone out who'd look my way. Of course, it was just a passing mood, and a weird one at that. Knowing that, I didn't even think of changing my appearance the slightest bit or I knew the real me would regret it. Still, it made me feel trapped & angry.
Sometimes I feel like I have multiple personalities fighting to take over, and the one I have is only slightly dominant over the others. It's not that I'm not happy with who I am, I'm just bored with it sometimes. I wish I could switch every now and then, try on different personas, do something different & have some fun. Some day, I'll draw a bunch of alternate me's. Just let them all out, and then post it here :P
I'm cleaning my room because this morning I woke up shivering under my blankets. I promissed myself I'd clean my room on the soonest cold day. Of course, the cold's gone now, but I'm decided. This is a short video of my room when I woke up this morning. I'm doing a before & after to look back on.
[Edit: Well, 11 days later, this room is still a mess.]
Imogen Heap - Everything In-Between DVD Trailer + Ellipse made into first 3DiC!
Friday, July 9, 2010
I'd heard a bit about this back when Imogen Heap was video-blogging on the completion of her album. Didn't think it would actually end up happening. Could it be...? A MOVIE about my favorite album by my favorite singer in the entire world?!
Having fun on http://polyvore.com/ putting outfits together. I'd love to say I'm one of those girls who hate to shop but that's not true at all! I looooove to shop. And when I can't afford to, I get creative on this website. It helps me figure out what I'm looking for when I eventually hit the mall. My Polyvore profile: http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/profile?id=837862
I'm dreaming of a cherry blossom tattoo pretty much like this one. Same size, same place. I think it's beautiful... but can I really consider getting this for REAL? It would be the most extreme thing I've ever done but I'm certainly thinking about it... There are allot of factors to consider. The PERMANENCE for one. There's the cost that must be crazy expensive. And I know that it would practically have to be a promise to keep my health, because, well... have you ever seen the evolution of a tattoo on a person who gains 100 pounds? It looks like it's melting... sideways! Hahahah
I'm the last person I'd ever have pictured getting a tattoo, especially one of this size! But it's charming. It's not like I'd be getting a scull head or something. Besides, I know you have to live life at it's fullest, and I'm starting to like this risk-taking image changing stuff. It's exciting! The decision is already made. As soon as I get a job I'll start putting money aside.
P.S. I decided to crank up the size of the images/videos in my posts by 100 pixels in width. That is all. Lalalala.
Yesterday afternoon I was on deviant art and stumbled on photos of this girl with bright red hair. I jumped up and decided to take the risk on myself since we just happen to have a box of permanent red hair color solution in a dusty shelf somewhere. When life is boring you to death, spontaneous decisions are the most fun!
This is the result. (video) I really like it! It's different from anything I've ever tried before and adds some fun to the simple kind of clothes I'm comfortable in. I look forward to wearing light blue, turquoise, beige, black, light grey, purple, royal blue... all colors that I think look nice with my new red hair!
I barely had enough solution to cover 2/3 of my head + I didn't apply a very thick amount of it either, so I'm gonna buy another pack. In other words, soon my head will be even more red, hopefully like on top =)
Edit: 8 days later I accidentally died my hair back to brown with a do-it-at-home kit. (was aiming for red) Well actually, it's a rich brown with a bit of auburn in it. I'm gonna have to settle with that. Either that or bleach my hair, which is out of the question! But it's okay, it's not half bad. Maybe I'll try again in a few months.
Me and my obsession with maturity. You know what's mature? Understanding that you can't have control over everything. Crushes are simply part of life. You should pride yourself in the things you like, not be ashamed of them. I'm proud I like you.
What the hell am I saying? Of course I'm not proud. That's what I'd like to believe. But maybe that's the goal I should set for myself from now on. Rather than seeing myself as a baby for having a crush on a stranger, rather than fighting it like it's the only chance I have at saving my last shred of dignity, I should try to see that it's one of those things you just don't have control over. Tu a beau etre mature, tu ne peut pas accomplir l'impossible. Tu ne pourra jamais etre un mur de brique parfaitement indestructible. Si tu y parvenait, tu ne serait plus humaine.
I woke up about an hour ago having slept no more than 3 hours. The night before it was little over 2. How can you go to school without the energy to do anything, let alone stay awake? I made the decision to stay in bed, but the guilt got me tossing & turning. I send 3 texts to twitter & tried to go back to sleep. Finally I'm up. I decided to stay at home all day. Everything really feels like it's black & white.
Going to school is good. Finishing my math book in time for the end of the year is good. Getting the right amount of sleep is good. Waking up & getting out of bed on time is good too. Staying focused on what's important is not only good, it's necessary.
Feeling sick when I'm not sick is bad. Hardly sleeping anymore is bad. Ditching school is bad. Sitting here writing this post while I should be sitting on a bus is bad. Sitting in class with a pencil, paper, a calculator & a math book is good, but sitting there doing nothing is bad. Being distracted more than half the time is bad. Going to school just to see him, that's not just bad, it's very bad, and goes against my priorities. In the end, I'm bad.
I'm ashamed. It's safe to say I've lost control over pretty much everything right now, more importantly, my goals for the last week of school. In all sincerity I really did try. Just a few months ago school was easy, and I was very good at it. Finishing my books quickly & efficiently was the most important thing in the world to me. Now that something else is fighting for priority in my head, it's not only extremely difficult to concentrate on anything, but practically impossible. I can't control my sleep & I can't keep my thoughts from drifting away from my page all the time. I tried but I can't fucking control it.
Now I guess what's left to do is go to that french tomorrow afternoon. I'll have to tell my math teacher I can't finish the book. On the bright side, I can still complete it this summer and take the exam as soon as I get back. And I can finish my history book too, the one I hardly started. I can still move forward, but right now I'm completely immobile.
Something's different and I don't like it. I'm usually afraid to see him by accident. But recently I've been finding myself practically going out of my way looking for him, just to spot him, even from far, and even if it goes against my efforts at ignoring his existence completely. It's like the more I pressure myself to let it all go and get on with whatever I should be doing, the more I start to panic afterwords. I really don't like this stalker person I've turned into these past few months. It's freaking me out, maybe even him too. God knows I'm not very subtle.
For some reason the other day I thought he might already be gone for good. I crossed the road practically in tears! I turned back at the other end of the street comforted to see the familiar thin gray figure pacing in place with smoke coming out it's hood. This crying thing is really weird & surprising for me. I used to pride myself on my ability to be completely unaffected by the outside... now this? It's like moving backwards, growing down, immaturing!
I really wonder how things are going to turn out in the end. Will everything go back to normal? The only reason I hope for this is because I know that no matter what I'm not going to be able to change anything about the current circumstances. So why suffer? Then again, if this hole thing does just go away, when he goes away, I know It's gonna leave me extremely disappointed with myself. Ouff... why always this conflict? I refuse to lose control of myself, but at the same time, I refuse to ignore this person, the most interesting mystery I've ever come across.
OUCH. I have to wake up for school in less than 5 hours! Guess I'll have to reschedule that french exam...
After reading a dozen of my most recent articles I have a feeling that I give the impression of being self centered, and that sometimes I use fancy vocabulary when it's unnecessary. Just in case this is true, I figured I should try to explain myself.
I talk about myself with the comfort of knowing no one has visited this blog a long time, and that even if I did have a reader or two, that it would be their decision to read what I write. Pressuring myself to write less about things related to me would in some way defy the purpose of this blog, which is of finding myself while being open with whoever might wanna take a peak. Sometimes that means posting videos about penguins, other times it means writing big paragraphs about what's up. I don't think the world evolves around me but I chose this blog as a place to concentrate on the things that do, to make life easier and to express myself. It's true that I don't have much of a life. That being said, this blog is kind of important to me.
I've always liked to try to use my vocabulary at it's fullest when I speak. If I sometimes go a little too far in that direction (could be wrong) at least I'm not going backwards and talking like a 10 year old, which mind you does happen! And to a Britt, we all talk like 10 year olds, so what does it matter anyway?
Now I'm wondering how I'm gonna find an excuse for my obsessive tweeting! XD (It's a similar story.)
Every summer since I've moved to Two-Mountains I fall into a deep depression, sometimes even go insane. Now that summer's approaching, the denial I've been in this year is slowly washing away. I realize I'm going to have to face all the depressing realities of my life in the next two months in excrutiating solitude, once more.
Oh, by the way, I broke every rule in the post underneath, less than 24 hours after starting. As much hope as I put into these kind of things they've always turned out the same. That's the way I am: I can't give up, but I can't succeed either. And that about sums up most of my problems right there. Endless circles of failure.
Oh dear reader, haven't you enjoyed this interresting post? Do come back for more interresting stories about interresting my life!
I made a list of some bad foods I eat and decided to cross some off completely. Also, I'll always have breakfast, always bring coffee in class and go for a bike ride every day at sunset. When taking the stairs to class, I won't stop to catch my breath at the 3rd and 4th floor anymore. I'll carry it out up to the 5th floor. I also made a rule about not eating after 8:00pm. Plus it would really help speed my metabolism if I had small high-fiber snacks between meals. Finally, I'll clean my room every week, not only because it's actually a good exercise, but to keep my thoughts clear. I'm easily depressed when my room is a mess. So there you have it, these are my positive changes.
If you're here because you're curious about why I dropped out of high school, I hope you'll come to understand. I don't think anyone likes to be judged. So I explained it the best I possibly could. It might not justify my decision but at least it explains it.
It started in secondary 4. Right before the school year started, my family & I moved from Chomedey to Two-Mountains. I was completely against it. One of the reasons I failed that year is because I decided to travel exhausting distances to and from school every day to continue to be a part of my friends' lives in Laval. I wanted to have fun rather than what I felt would be wasting my life away. I needed to experience the things I'd missed out on, like going places with my friends. That's also when my addiction to ditching started. I didn't even bother go to the end-of-the-year-exams. I was going to fail one way or another. It's weird, because all year long I couldn't stop dreaming about college.
I continued failing when I was forced to go to school in Two-Mountains, to start secondary 4 all over again. Everything turned black and white. I couldn't stand anyone around me. People were so entirely different from people in Laval, and so painfully different from me. I tried to tell myself that I was the weird one but that just made things worse. In the end I secretly despised everyone.
I talked about it to a school councilor. He told me that I was depressed, and suggested Adult Education. I didn't know much about it, but I figured since it had the word "adult" in it, that people would either have to be more mature or perhaps more independent, giving me the choice of being left alone, which is something I've always been comfortable with. Barely 10 minutes after heading back to my class I made the decision to drop out and go to Adult Ed. I skipped out of school without saying goodbye to anyone. In my head I was giving LTM the finger and taking a shortcut to College. It felt GREAT.
Of course, that was a terrible idea. Adult Education is far from being a shortcut, and the people in it aren't exactly... what I had in mind. Adult Education slows everything down. So now, while my Laval friends are having the time of their lives doing the things they love, developing special skills and growing up with their old & new friends, I'm stuck here. French in the morning, math in the afternoon. One book at a time. Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday and Friday. That's it.
It hurts, because I'm an incredibly passionate person with a bunch of creative potential. I've been looking forward to College longer than anyone I know. I thirst for the kind of things I should be doing right now. All I wanted was a less painful shortcut. Instead, I got turned into a big dry sponge, and time is moving slower than ever.
This is my first attempt at photo editing since I got my camera. Geez, I need photoshop. Can't find anything particularly interesting to photograph either. I spent an hour and a half on my bike today going from one place to another in this small country-like city and found practically nothing but leaves, weeds and a small "beach" occupied by topless men in sunglasses. (yawn)
It's a Fuji finepix s1800. It has 12.2mp and 18x zoom, with a large screen at the back. I LOVE THIS CAMERA! Unfortunately the one I have is sort of broken, so I'm gonna return it tomorrow for a new one. This is so surreal. Seeing through the eye of this camera feels like my entire world changed. It's like all of a sudden everything's beautiful. I've wanted one of these for so long..!
This is a musical instrument called a "hang". It looks like a flying saucer and this guy plays it wonderfully. I'm in love with the sound this thing makes. I discovered it about a year ago on one of Imogen Heap's video blogs.
Imogen uses an unusual variety of objects to put her songs together. It's one of the things that make her music so special! (aside from her amazingly pure voice with which she can sing almost any note and sound incredibly sincere) Heck, she even used her ass as a sound effect in Bad Body Double! (amongs many other things.) Imogen always finds new ways to turn every day things into sounds for her songs. It's sort of like recycling. Like everything has the potential to sound lovely.
She's been my favorite singer for the past 4 years and I doubt that it'll ever change. Almost every single one of her songs are a part of who I am, of my life since I was 15 in different times and phases. I hope you guys have your own ultimate favorite singer/band because it's a special thing to have. It reminds you of who you are, what you've been through and keeps you grounded. That can come in very handy.
Trying hard to repress any thoughts about him, with more or less success. It's easy to ignore for a while but I think it's starting to catch up on me. After all, it's hard to ignore something you see as the most beautiful thing you've ever seen. It's worse when you don't know weather it could be an illusion or an exaggeration, further more if you know you're not supposed to find out. This complete stranger, all I want right now is to see his face. It's shameful.
I don't know why I keep writing about this on my blog. I think it's because this place is my safety, my friend. People who read this might think it's immature to be constantly talking about these kind of things, but I don't think anyone visits anyway. Besides, whoever you are, if you are reading this, I doubt that you came here to judge me. It might be against my will but it's in my nature to need to express myself when feeling emotionally cornered. Call it being a girl, call it being human, call it being plain dramatic, what can I say.
It's really weird, constantly contradicting yourself. It's like having a double personality:
"Stay away from him, don't let any of these stupid thoughts get to you, you don't know him, he's just a random person, you're making a big deal out of nothing and it brings you nothing but harm. If you don't stop you might freak him out. He wants to be left alone. / Is he there today? Should I go over there? Red? Blue? Grey? smoke..? How does what he sees turn out in his head? Does pacing mean he's comfortable?"
These kind of things often buzz around my head. Does this make a secret admirer or some kind of stalker? It's enough to make anyone uncomfortable. But I have a fascination for people in general. When your mouth is shut most of your life your eyes and ears are your only connection to reality. Obsessive observations come to me naturally no matter where I go. Should one subject particularly draw my attention I find myself in a cycle of over analyzing. Like a puzzle with many small pieces that you absolutely have to finish. I'll keep trying to keep it from getting to me.
Got my bangs cut yesterday. For the first time in my life, I really like the result! But none of my friends seem to like it. At first it made me kinda frustrated, but I'm dealing with it. What counts is that I'm happy with the way I look, witch isn't something I've been able to feel very often these last few years.
It's mother's day today and I cleaned the place up. It felt good, and everyone seemed happy about it. Dad got me some orange citrus grapefruit jelly, that stuff is the best! With tiny little orange peels in it... Ouff. I think I'm avoiding the main subject. I know I'm gonna bring it up in this article anyway.
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I can't believe I actually dreamed about (him) last night. I was afraid this might happen. I want to pretend he doesn't exist almost as much as I want to know everything about him. Most of the time the entire subject is easily ignorable, but sometimes I can't help but feel torn apart. One way or another it's hopeless. I can't possibly go up to this person and say hi. I'm not exaggerating..! I've tried twice, and came to the conclusion that it's completely impossible. The thought of it is almost nauseating. I'm not sure I even want to. I'm not sure he'd like it either. But the thought of him one day disappearing, that I'd never see him again, it makes me sad.
It's funny, look at this place. It's almost like I'm transforming it into some kind of public diary. I just like to think of this blog as somewhere I can post things that I'd want to look back on that remind me of who I am. I'm made of all kinds of things, even boring drama. It's human. Why is this public? I don't see a reason why our lives should be so secret. Besides, the thought of being understood is kind of nice.
There was this article in my french book that said something like "L'inconnu et le mysterieux seduisent toujours." (translation: The unknown and the mysterious always seduce.) I've thought of that possibility. Maybe the reason I'm so intrigued by this person is because I've never spoken to him. My deductions can always be mislead. Anyways... I'll stop talking now or I'll never stop. This is as personal as I've ever gotten on my blog and I tend to over think when I'm sleepy.
I don't like who I've been these past few weeks. I feel like I've been putting socializing before being myself. This is one of the reasons why I've been so desperately trying to stay invisible this past year. I could tell from the start that people in this school were way too different from me. It's hard to be yourself around people who most likely wouldn't even understand it. So I told myself "either be yourself, or stay anonymous." and that's what I did. It's been over a year now. Until a few weeks ago, I was one of the only two people who kept comfortably to themselves.
I hate to have to change the way I am to adapt to other people out of kindness to those who care enough to approach me, but I have a hard time not being nice to nice people. Now I'm nice, but I'm also a liar. I feel like I've tweaked my personality way too much. It's making me insanely uncomfortable in my skin. Now what am I supposed to do? Being alone is one thing, asking to be left alone is another, especially when someone is nice to you and depends on you. Could someone please guide me to a time machine? Oh well. I may not be able to return to being invisible, nor can I say I necessarily want to be now that the cost is to coldly turn my back on perfectly nice people, but I did do something about it. Hopefully things will be easier now.
I tried to make the weekend last as long as possible, soaking up every last minute, but Monday morning is now only a few hours away. I keep telling myself that too much going on is better than nothing going on at all. For some reason looking at this blurry picture of me feels extremely reassuring. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because it's so neutral. No no thoughts, no worries, no fear, no anger, no expression at all. Just a lovely mix of colors.
I took this picture with my cell. I walked pass this tree on the way somewhere with Dina. The flower tree being so beautiful and the weather so dreadful that I thought it was an interesting apposition, if that makes any sense. (learned that word at school)
It just struck me how this picture feels familiar to me when I see it that way. Reminds me of something beautiful and terrible at the same time. Or maybe someone so beautiful it's terrible. Going insane has become my usual state this past month and it only seems to be getting worse. It's a weird behavior for me to be having, I'm not a weak person. As a result, I can't get any work done. I don't think I'll be able to reach my goal of graduating in time for December.
I like this song ("Possibility" by Lykke Li) because it sort of reminds me of insanity. Like something you'd listen to after having a mental breakdown. It feels like the singer's calmed down, but still in denial, repeating over and over "there's a possibility" because if there was no possibility it would be too difficult to accept. The background music also sounds a bit eerie, like the singer's still going insane. I know this has nothing to do with the actual lyrics, and I'm not saying this to compare it to anything I'm going through or anything like that, but this was my first impression listening to the song and I like to think of it that way. It's a bit of a pessimistic way of looking at a song but it's interesting.
Today I went to Mount Royal for the first time with my friends Elizabeth and Alex. As we drove there in the van, we played that "Down Town" song out loud! Mont royal a beautiful place in Montreal where everyone seems to just want to relax and have a good time. We sat on the side of a vast hill covered in grass with a view of Montreal's tall city buildings. Later on we climbed up where there was a forest. There were all kinds of cool people. Apparently half of the people there are gays and lesbians and there are a tone of hippies too! And people with nice indie-like styles. (different from what I see everyday in the small town I live in) Everyone seemed so relaxed! Some people were playing musical instruments and others were playing ball. Most were lying down. There was a guy sitting near us who looked like a pure hippie! He had long dreadlocks and orange small-circle-sun-glasses and a t-shirt with a big pot leaf on it, and he was playing drums. There was also a creepy guy who yelled at his dog for sniffing my friend, warning his dog that people are mean, and to stay by his side at all cost. (ouch) The weather was bright and sunny with a cool breeze. The weather is rarely this nice since winter just recently ended. We ended the day chowing down Marathon's amazing souvlakis at golden sunset on a picnic table by the lake at my old high school. (a place that I love) Today was a day I won't forget, I wish I could do this more often.
This is the first time in years that I own a cellphone. I bought it off my sister & use it only for texting. It's been 2 days only since I started using it and someone called me a text-molester! (I get a kick out of that name :P) I want to be a decent text-er, so I'm working on controlling myself. I don't want to make my friends pitch their cellphones into a lake.
The picture isn't clear, but my friend is a chinchilla. I took this picture of him with my cell at lunch today. I come visit him at lunch time, at the pet shop in the mall in front of my school. He's always sleeping though. They put him on special: from 99$ to 49$ because he's been there for a long while. (It's sibling was sold a long time ago.) It's kinda weird to have your friend be on sale by 50%. (lol) Until today he was my only friend in two-mountains & St-Eustache (Now, a nice human by the name of Bob speaks to me! xD) Chinchillas look allot like an adorable little sidekick you'd find in an Anime. They are round balls of soft furry love. They have big eyes, huge ears and very tiny hands. They love massages. (see for yourself) I read that they are easily stressed, that they need to live in a calm chinchilla-proofed home. If there is too much noise, they get stressed and get sick. That's why I can't buy my friend, my house would kill him in a single day! (total of 7 loud family members including myself) I'm definitely adopting a chinchilla one day though, when I live alone. They're super friendly. Click here to see a chinchilla eating a raisin.
It basically looks like mint leaves soaked in water. Wow does that ever seem refreshing! (if it's served cold) Not to mention the smell of mint leaves. Have you ever smelled a fresh mint leaf? It's just wonderful.
This is the saddest thing I've ever seen. It's been on my mind ever since I saw it on TV a week ago! If I could, I would finance the life of a disoriented penguin. Get it a good psychiatrist who will give it fish-pops at the end of each session. lol Seriously, watching this penguin waddling towards complete emptiness with such confidence, like it thinks it's going to Fun-land or something! But no! It's gonna die a slow and lonely death because it's retarded! Nature's a bitch.
J'ai pas l'abitude de mettre des choses intimes sur mon blog mais... (insert excuse here)
Friday, April 16, 2010
I ran past you unexpectedly, your presence overwhelmed me. I ran faster and faster to get farther away from you. I tried to run the feelings out of me, but they stayed inside, choking me. I really didn't ask for this, to adore you. The reason I often seem to get out of my way to look away from you is because when I do I can't convince my eyes to look away. The lack of control is usually unbearable. Some people you can't not be fascinated by. If you're smart, you can get a grip on yourself: find ways to stay away from them. Without reminders, the thought of your existence slowly fades away from my conscience. It makes it so much easier to concentrate on what's important. But when I run into you I'm screwed! Because I can't concentrate on anything else.
The bottom of the dress, polka-dots in the head band and some parts of the tattoo were cut out of some kind of flashy sparkly sheet of plastic and the waist of the dress was cut out of a sparkly semi-opaque peach ribbon. My scanner couldn't pick up these details, but it's interesting how the sparkly stuff turned out blurry and colorful. It's just a coincidence!
The quality is terrible, that's because this is one of a series of jpg uploads. My computer broke recently and I lost everything that was on it! >:C
1 Comments:
Holy shit, you are an amazing artist. I must follow you!
No wonder Americans associate the French with love, their accent is so... beautiful! Soft and intense at the same time... If I had to use two words to describe Audrey Tautou's english, I would say chocolate truffles.
1 Comments:
Genial dispatch and this post helped me alot in my college assignement. Gratefulness you as your information.
I finally decided to gathered a list of a few things I need to learn on my own before I can start being the best artist that I can be. I'll mostly be using the internet as a teacher. (how-to videos, websites, online classes...)
realistic and detailed sketches of the face
realistic and detailed sketches of the body
how to realistically change the face and body tofind a style of my own (I think this will be the hardest and most important part.)
clothing (pleats, lighting, textures, fit...)
angles, actions, motions, emotions... and all that complicated stuff
all about colors and interesting sets of them (to sometimes use as the core colors of a painting)
lighting effects
acrylic, watercolor and ink painting tips
how to use Photoshop at it's fullest
practice turning photographs into paintings, learn things from it
Now that I have an idea of the way to get what I desire the most, I feel like I finally have some road to follow. There's ALLOT of work to be done!!!
1 Comments:
That sounds like a good plan to me and it will be a nice break from your other (less interesting) classes. I will look out for you as well. Mom
Staying at Adult Education school to me is like winning 50$ for every second you can keep your hand in a pot of very hot water. At first, you take your time, you think you're strong enough to endure the heat. But after a while, your hand becomes horribly hot and all your senses urge you to get it THE HELL OUT OF THAT MOTHER FUCKING POT as fast as humanly possible.
I'm the hand, my school is the pot, College is the friendly paramedic waiting with a cold bag of ice, and time either way is pure torture.
-Who the hell are you!? -I am every little girl you ever watched, touched, hurt, screwed, killed.
I thought this movie was brilliant. Visually it was beautiful, which is really important to me in a movie... + Ellen Page is officially one of my favorite actresses. It's about a cute mature 14 year old girl who meets an attractive 30-something year old photographer. The man invites her to his house to listen to some recordings of a Goldfrap concert, and she accepts. I like to know as little about a movie as possible before watching it, and in this case, I knew practically nothing. At that point in the movie I thought I had it all figured out! You can imagine my surprise when I find out that the 14 year old wasn't the victim, the man was...
Updates : I got fired about a month ago. They might hire me back around Valentines day... I really really hope they do, I'll never find a job as easy as this. On the bright side, I changed my schedule to full time so that I can graduate high school as soon as possible (10.3 months as opposed to 2 years). Some of my friends in College have such amazing classes, like Cinemas, Photography, Contemporary Art, etc... I can't wait to join the fun. (even though there is going to be allot of boring hard work involved!!)
How would you describe yourself? Done all wrong (New Moon Soundtrack) Lonely little petunia (Imogen Heap)
What do you like in a guy/girl? Talk (Coldplay) The life style (Metric) Beautiful stranger (Madonna)
How do you feel today? Colors (Utada Hikaru)
What is your life's purpose? Analyse (Thom Yorke) Friends (New Moon Soundtrack) Canvas (Imogen Heap)
What is your motto? Live like you're dying (Lenka)
What do your friends think of you? Miles away (Madona)
What do your parents think of you? Shut me up (Mindless Self Indulgence) Done all wrong (New Moon Soundtrack)
What do you think about very often? Where did the good go (Tegan and Sara) Eat the menu (Bjork)
What is 2 + 2? 2 + 2 = 5 (Radiohead)
What is your message to the world? Live like you're dying (Lenka) Lyrics :
Give me a reason to fight the feeling that there’s nothing here for me. Cause none of its easy, I know it wasn’t meant to be. I know it’s all up to me x2. So what am I gonna do with my time?
What do you think of your bestie? Thank You (Dido)
What do you want to do when you grow up? Canvas (Imogen Heap) Pictures (The Postal Service)
What will you dance at your wedding? Grow old with me (The Postal Service)
Your oldest memory makes you think? The park (Feist)
How does the world see me? Wallflower (Priscilla Ahn)
What is some good advice for me? Live like you're dying (Lenka) lyrics:
One of these days you’ll be under the covers you’ll be under the table and you’ll realize all of your days are numbered; all of them one to one hundred. All of them millions. All of them trillions. So what are you gonna do with them all?
+ Let go (Imogen Heap) lyrics:
So let go, jump in Oh well, whatcha waiting for It's alright (...) Such boundless pleasure We've no time for later now You can't await your own arrival You've 20 seconds to comply
If you reached the top of Mount Everest, what would you scream? Can't take it in (Imogen Heap) lyrics :
Can't close my eyes They're wide awake Every hair on my body has got a thing for this place Oh empty my heart I've got to make room for this feeling so much bigger than me It couldn't be any more beautiful - I can't take it in.
name: Tiffany date of birth: May 28 1992 languages: French & English
About me: I'm a friendly but somewhat reserved person with a passion for creativity, for things like books, paintings, objects, clothing, scenery, music, photography, movies, and so on. I like people who are true and open minded.
About this blog: I blog because I like it. I think it's a funner and truer way for people to get to know eachother than Facebook. This is my space.
music: Radiohead, Thom Yorke, Imogen Heap, The Sounds, Tegan and Sara, Blue Foundation, The Sounds, Metric, Feist, The Beatles (+ Across the Universe soundtrack), Olivia Lufkin, Crystal Castles, Zero 7, piano music
movies: A.I. Artificial Intelligence*, 1408*, Sleuth*, What Dreams May Come, Vanilla Sky, The Chinese botanist's daughters, Twilight, Garden State, Alfie, Across the Universe, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, Girl Interrupted*, V for Vendetta, The Pianist*, Coraline*
TV shows: Fringe, The X-Files, House, The L Word, Death Note, Honey & Clover, 1 Litre of Tears
books: A Million Little Pieces, the Uglies series (the first 3 only), everything by Amélie Nothomb
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